top 5: butlers
by Felix Curds
Imagine what the world and, more importantly, beloved television programmes would be like without the trusty butler. Seriously, I tried and shuddered a little.
1. Niles (The Nanny)- The best thing about Niles was his delivery. Niles delivered awesome C.C. Babcock zingers with the precision of a German engineered robot whilst his beautiful English accent counter-acted the parrot mating calls that resonated from Fran Fine's deliciously lipsticked gab. His general omnipresence or rather his tendency to 'dust keyholes' cast him as the champion of love and justice. Without him Fran would have never become a Mrs Scheffield, Sylvia would be deprived of her beloved food and C.C. would've died alone. Niles is basically testament to why butlers are the cornerstone of wholesome entertainment and happy endings guys, frealz.
2. Lurch (Addams Family)- Lurch is sorely underrated and I'm certain, like Enid Coleslaw was with Seymour, that this feller is deserving of a beautiful, macabre woman as all the other pseudo-bohemian losers. When I manage to create an E-Harmony or Oasis Active page for him it would go as follows: Salutations Ladies. My name is Lurch. I'm 6'9''- call me tall, dark and brooding. I hold the title of a butler but consider myself more a 'jack of all trades'. Between being a chauffeur, chef and educator, I enjoy playing the harpsichord. I'm no hawt-dog or stud-muffin or cutie-pie by regular standards but I'm sure you're not a regular or standard woman either. You rang? (I am exceedingly good at pimping, MAN).
3. Alfredo (Angela Annaconda)- No one just works for the insufferable, elitist Manoirs so I've got a couple of theories: 1. Alfredo is a stuggling musician/artist/poet enduring the hard-knock-life for the dual purpose of giving his material some serious depth and paying for those demos/studio apartment/fancy quills. 2. He is conducting a social study on the colourful, albeit mentally unstable, characters of Tapwater Springs for CSIRO or Fox or something... 3. He's a member of the Animal Protection Agency and is infiltrating the Manoir residence to end their animal sweatshop.(Forgive me but Alfredo's just so damn elusive. Please enjoy the picture of beans with faces instead)
4.Waylon Smithers (The Simpsons)- Smithers is more properly classified as Mr. Burns' personal assistant but I'm willing to live with this slight technicality cos I'm a romantic.
5. Alfred Pennyworth: Alfred is the real OG because only real OGs get to hang with Bruce-fucking-Wayne! I have mad respect, and envy for him. Not many other people can say they've been into the bat cave and driven the bat mobile and well you just know that he gets to do a tonne of other cool things whilst Batboy's out slashing baddies. Also, can you imagine how quickly Batman's life would've spiralled out of control without the paternal presence of Alfred- Bruce would be out at strip clubs by day and writing angsty 'revenge' themed poetry by night. Again, butlers are essential for happy endings.
Speaking of happy endings, I've finished all of my trial exams! ...boy were they all doozies. Anywho. Hope you are all well and sparkly *sparkle*sparkle.